Pie

Get that shark out of your sister's butt.

I say things like this all the time now. These bizarre word combinations spill out of my mouth and sound remarkably similar to the tone I'd use to make a dentist's appointment. It's not that I'm blasé about Julia trying to assault her sister during bath time; I'm just used to it.

This isn't what I had planned to type about this evening. Truth is, I've forgotten what it was I thought I wanted to tell you about. That's probably a good thing because I'd just wind up describing something that smells, looks or tastes bad on my body.

Tonight I'll give that note a rest and try to find a different tune.

People I'd Like to Box:

My mother. There are a lot of things about my childhood I'm really pissed about so I know going a few rounds with ma would be very therapeutic. Nothing to the face, just a few body blows to knock the wind out of her.

Mike Tyson. Iron Mike would beat me so hard that I would become the guy who wears a floral print muumuu and stands outside of Miller Park yelling "EAT ME" at everyone who passes by. That aside, years ago my friend Ray and I split the cost of one of Mike's pay-per-view bouts and it lasted 54 seconds. I think we both deserve a few rounds for that.

Mrs. Grady. Because I'm convinced that if Allie's Kindergarten teacher and I were dangling from a cliff Allie would throw a rope to Mrs. Grady. I think once Allie saw me easily duck Mrs. Grady's left hook a few times she might love me more.

My mother. Did I already mention her? Sorry.

A guy in a big yellow chicken suit. I don't really have an explanation but I bet the video would be awesome!

Myself at 19. I really deserved a punch to the gut back then (or at least a kick in the ass). These days I just deserve the beating I'd get from all the people I'm listing here.

Frank Lloyd Wright. Of course I appreciate his genius but if you read anything about him the guy was a real dick much of the time. Plus I really hate the carpeting in the Monona Terrace. I know it was only "inspired" by Wright's designs but it's enough to make me want to take a few swings at the guy.

Julia. I know she only weighs 28 pounds and has the motor skills of a poodle in the throes of a seizure but she's wiry and sneak fart fast. I don't think I'd mind losing to her but I think the threat of getting back into the ring with me might make getting her to eat her vegetables a little easier.

I think you all realize I'm truly a lover, not a fighter.

No. That's not true. I'm not a lover either.

I just want some pie.