Tuesday, March 27, 2007

The Ancient Art of English Origami

Smart. Funny. Kind. We already knew that Kerry is a wonderful person. Meeting her in person just cemented our crush. Plus, everyone knows that if you show me how to convert a napkin into a chicken I have no choice but to fall in love.

Dan is nice.

Speaking for myself; the weekend went quickly. There were some peculiar moments – like when the girls and I were sneaking sniffs from the small bottles of shampoo Dan and Kerry had brought with them from England. It was as if we'd never seen toiletries before. In my head I heard a voice say, “Why are we smelling these peoples’ conditioner? Aren't we breaking some law?"

They brought gifts. I don't really remember what they gave our daughters and I think Deb got something. The important part is the assortment of sauces, chutneys and beer they gave to me. I've tried them all (except for the beer). Tonight it was turkey and cheese on a Ritz topped with a generous dollop of apple chutney.

I had eight of 'em.

It was a good weekend. I laughed a lot. I got swept off my feet. I mean, literally. At one point, Dan picked me up. I'm sure his intestines squirted into his scrotum. I can't remember a time when another person actually lifted me off the ground so whatever procedure he'll have to endure is worth it. But these people are full of surprises.

Marcia just called. She wanted to know how our weekend went. She gave me crap for not giving up our bed for Dan and Kerry's comfort. I can't really get my head around the concept of sacrificing for the benefit of others so I didn't have an answer. Then she asked, "Do you miss your friends?"


Sunday, March 18, 2007

Pet Update

The new cats are working out. The girls, for the most part, love them. It seems that Allie has a particular attachment to Rabies (he's the orange one). She's constantly picking him up and holding him like a newborn. Often times, Julia will join in and bury her face in his fur while Allie cradles and strokes him.

Every once in a while, when he's receiving all of this love and affection, Rabies will look over at me. His eyes speak volumes. It's pretty clear what they're saying.

I'm in hell.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007


Probably the only good thing about waking up at 3:00 is walking around the house and checking on the girls.

Many times I find them sleeping in some weird, contorted position. I get to straighten them out, place their heads back on their pillows and replace their blankets.

It's an opportunity to leave them in what I hope is a warmer, more comfortable state.

Sometimes, 3:00 means I get a chance to do my job.

Friday, March 09, 2007


Dan and Kerry will be here in just a few weeks and Deb and I are a little uptight about showing them a good time. It's not like having your neighbors over and the pizza sucks. These people are traveling over 3,000 freakin' miles. This time, if the pizza is bad, there could be serious repercussions. I'm not saying they'd kill us in our sleep, but we could get a bad reputation. Then all of our overseas friends could potentially turn their backs on us (and I'd really miss Sven).

I've decided the best course of action is to act surprised when they show up.
Dan! Kerry! What a surprise! Was that this month? I knew it was an "M" month but I didn't think that meant March. Wow. . . Oh my god. We were supposed to pick you guys up! I am so sorry. You know, things have been crazy with the thing and everything. You know how that goes. How did you get here? Oh? Yeah, cabs can be expensive but I agree $800 sounds a little out of line. Holy cow. Well, we're glad you're in one piece. You know I promised the girls McDonalds tonight. I hope that's okay. You know I just wasn't expecting you guys here until like July or something. The house is a wreck, but if you walk where I walk there's no risk of tetanus.

You get the picture.

Unfortunately I don't think they'd buy it so I'm working on a loose itinerary:

Friday - Pick up the Hughes in Chicago. Commission a fanfare to be performed in their honor. Nothing elaborate; mainly brass and a small choral group of nine. We'll call the piece, Chicago: Your Gateway to Suburban Madison.

Bring DVD of You've Got Mail for drive home. Avoid any discussion beyond new open road tolling so we won't run through all conversation topics before we reach Wisconsin border.

Once home, immediately get Dan and Kerry sloppy drunk so they believe they're having a good time regardless of what actually happens.

Saturday - Maintain Dan and Kerry's levels of intoxication. Replay You've Got Mail for them. When they say they think they've seen it tell them it's the director's cut with over 20 minutes of new scenes. Take them to the grocery store and lecture them on the superiority of high fructose corn syrup over other sweeteners. Block access to other couples who are more fun, more intelligent, kinder and generally hipper than we could ever hope to be such as Bon Bon and her husband.

Sunday - Slip them a mild hallucinogenic and force Dan and Kerry to read the Dead Parrot sketch from Monty Python over and over again. Chastise them for not getting the accents right. Let them use the laptop to contact the Malcolms and request a wire transfer of all the money in their bank accounts. Allow the Hughes to use these funds to replace current home entertainment center. Take delivery of new home theater and make them watch You've Got Mail again but this time in Surround Sound.

Monday - Make the drive time back to the airport seem shorter with another screening of You've Got Mail. Drop off Dan and Kerry and head to other side of terminal to pick up Sven and his wife.