Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Birth of Another Unicorn

I have to really go to the bathroom. The sense of urgency is overwhelming but I'm not going to allow myself a toilet break until I come up with a topic and explore it here exhaustively.

So far I'm drawing a blank. I always thought that I worked better under pressure, but I'm not sure this is the right kind of pressure.

I know some of you may remember one reason I bought a laptop was so I could blog from the throne. I did it. I blogged while sitting on the toilet. I wasn't thrilled by the experience. And now I hesitate to do it again because I have a feeling this episode is going to be complicated. And everyone knows you don't take a magazine into the bathroom with you and expect other people to use it afterward. The same rule applies to computers.

I did this same exercise the other day while making lunch for Allie. I had to use the bathroom but there was no way I was going to go until I had everything on the table. I was slicing an apple while trying to convince myself I could overcome whatever obstacle was in my way (or way out). Each slice required me to remove the seeds and parts of the core and as I cut through the slices I thought I was going to freaking pass out but I knew that if I could master my G.I. tract that it would be the start of a new life not just for me, but for every person who is a part of my life now and in the future. Unicorns aren't real, but something just as magical was going to become real if I could just manage to keep from crapping my pants while I made lunch for my daughter.

I did it. I removed all the seeds and bits of core and as soon as Allie began to eat I dove into the bathroom.

It was a moment I will never forget.

And now, I have reached another milestone. It's the birth of another unicorn and you're a part of the magic. It feels like all my friends and family are here with me cheering me on.

Hold on, Greg. Hold it in, buddy. You can do it. You can finish this post and prove to yourself that you are in control of your life. Some will say what you're doing is inane. Some will claim you need the help of a therapist named Joan who is really good with cases like yours. But they're wrong.

I have a topic now. I'm ready to create the post that will become the touchstone for a new generation of bloggers. It's the one I've been waiting to write for years and it's only because I waited to poop.

In this bold new age the singular most signif

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Julia Gets Tormented by Item #2 from My List

J: Tell me a story about when I was a baby.
G: Well, your mom and I went to the baby store and picked you. We paid for you and brought you home.
J: You got me at a baby store?
G: Yup.
J: Did I cry when you got me?
G: No. We had to activate you first. We did that after we got you home.
J: What?
G: There's a button we pressed and it kind of woke you up. You have an off button, too.
J: Where?
G: Here. Let me press it.
G: It's no big deal. It's like you go to sleep. I promise I'll turn you right back on.
J: Daddy please don't turn me off. . . I didn't come from a baby store.
G: Duh. Remember that video you watched with those doctors pulling you out of Mommy's tummy. You were all covered with blood and stuff. There's no baby store, silly.
J: Oh yeah.
G: We had your off button installed later.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Ten Things You Didn't Know About Me

I'm really getting into this list thing. Here's another one that's chock full of super interesting really groovy facts all about me.

1) I like to keep my left toenail 2mm longer than the right. I also sharpen it in case I'm kidnapped and need to cut through a rope or some type of restraint.

2) I have an "off" button. I'm told it was installed after I finished second grade.

3) I have product placement in my dreams. Last night cans of Lemon Pledge kept showing up as I tried to figure out why I went to work without my pants.

4) I wrote a letter to Mallards baseball team management suggesting that instead of "Bat Night" they have "Machete Night" and then some cops came to ask me questions.

5) I'm convinced that I can throw a javelin the length of my backyard. . . with my jaw.

6) When I was a baby if my nose was cold my mother would put me in the clothes dryer for five minutes. To this day I can't get to sleep unless someone blasts me in the face with a super hot hair dryer while simultaneously smashing a metal folding chair into various parts of my body.

7) I have secretly recreated every piece of furniture in our house by hand and then destroyed the original. Debbie always asks, "What's with you?" every time she catches me smirking as I watch her put something down on an end table.

8) I'm not as picky about toilet paper as the Principal at my daughters' school thinks I am.

9) My personal Kryptonite is. . . Whoa; wouldn't you like to know.

10) I have plans to sculpt a life-size, painstakingly realistic replica of myself in Velveeta. Then I'm going set it up at various holiday gatherings with a bunch of crackers and a sign that says, "Eat me."

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Did You Know that as Soon as You Hit "Enter" Your Blog is Published?

I didn't realize that.


1) In the new year I will allow the nail on my pinky to grow so that people will think I'm a coke dealer (or Esteban).

2) 2009 is the year I will mess around with telemarketers more.

3) Fiber! Fiber! Fiber!

4) This year I am only going to check email on the first Tuesday of every third month. If you need something from me in a hurry the best way to get in touch will be by timing your email to coincide with this new schedule.

5) It's a great opportunity to start fresh with my sock drawer. I have to say this resolution is the one that's really making me tingle inside. I almost want to stop typing right now and get started. But we all know sometimes the anticipation is the finest part of the experience.

6) I'm going to start heckling more. Places like: movies, music venues, political speeches, business meetings, parent/teacher conferences (not our own), weddings and freshman communications classes at the UW. Really nasty, Tourette's-like outbursts.

7) I'm going to lose weight but only in a single area of my body. I'm going to try to isolate the nine inch strip that begins at the bottom of my sternum and ends at the top of my navel. I plan to purchase several, clingy Body Armor T-shirts that are a few sizes too small to accentuate whatever progress I make in this area and bolster whatever side show potential I may have.

8) Save enough money to check into an out patient program that will get Beyonce's "Single Ladies" out of my head for good.

9) I'm going to emancipate Allie and Julia and hang out with them at their apartment all the time.

10) In 2009 I will sculpt a bust of my wife from a chunk of concrete I plan to break out of the left center portion of our driveway. I will fill in the hole in our driveway with a burner that will create a natural gas fueled column of flame that reaches about four feet high that we will have to drive over really fast to get into the garage or the car will explode.