Sunday, January 11, 2009

Did You Know that as Soon as You Hit "Enter" Your Blog is Published?

I didn't realize that.


1) In the new year I will allow the nail on my pinky to grow so that people will think I'm a coke dealer (or Esteban).

2) 2009 is the year I will mess around with telemarketers more.

3) Fiber! Fiber! Fiber!

4) This year I am only going to check email on the first Tuesday of every third month. If you need something from me in a hurry the best way to get in touch will be by timing your email to coincide with this new schedule.

5) It's a great opportunity to start fresh with my sock drawer. I have to say this resolution is the one that's really making me tingle inside. I almost want to stop typing right now and get started. But we all know sometimes the anticipation is the finest part of the experience.

6) I'm going to start heckling more. Places like: movies, music venues, political speeches, business meetings, parent/teacher conferences (not our own), weddings and freshman communications classes at the UW. Really nasty, Tourette's-like outbursts.

7) I'm going to lose weight but only in a single area of my body. I'm going to try to isolate the nine inch strip that begins at the bottom of my sternum and ends at the top of my navel. I plan to purchase several, clingy Body Armor T-shirts that are a few sizes too small to accentuate whatever progress I make in this area and bolster whatever side show potential I may have.

8) Save enough money to check into an out patient program that will get Beyonce's "Single Ladies" out of my head for good.

9) I'm going to emancipate Allie and Julia and hang out with them at their apartment all the time.

10) In 2009 I will sculpt a bust of my wife from a chunk of concrete I plan to break out of the left center portion of our driveway. I will fill in the hole in our driveway with a burner that will create a natural gas fueled column of flame that reaches about four feet high that we will have to drive over really fast to get into the garage or the car will explode.