Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Birth of Another Unicorn

I have to really go to the bathroom. The sense of urgency is overwhelming but I'm not going to allow myself a toilet break until I come up with a topic and explore it here exhaustively.

So far I'm drawing a blank. I always thought that I worked better under pressure, but I'm not sure this is the right kind of pressure.

I know some of you may remember one reason I bought a laptop was so I could blog from the throne. I did it. I blogged while sitting on the toilet. I wasn't thrilled by the experience. And now I hesitate to do it again because I have a feeling this episode is going to be complicated. And everyone knows you don't take a magazine into the bathroom with you and expect other people to use it afterward. The same rule applies to computers.

I did this same exercise the other day while making lunch for Allie. I had to use the bathroom but there was no way I was going to go until I had everything on the table. I was slicing an apple while trying to convince myself I could overcome whatever obstacle was in my way (or way out). Each slice required me to remove the seeds and parts of the core and as I cut through the slices I thought I was going to freaking pass out but I knew that if I could master my G.I. tract that it would be the start of a new life not just for me, but for every person who is a part of my life now and in the future. Unicorns aren't real, but something just as magical was going to become real if I could just manage to keep from crapping my pants while I made lunch for my daughter.

I did it. I removed all the seeds and bits of core and as soon as Allie began to eat I dove into the bathroom.

It was a moment I will never forget.

And now, I have reached another milestone. It's the birth of another unicorn and you're a part of the magic. It feels like all my friends and family are here with me cheering me on.

Hold on, Greg. Hold it in, buddy. You can do it. You can finish this post and prove to yourself that you are in control of your life. Some will say what you're doing is inane. Some will claim you need the help of a therapist named Joan who is really good with cases like yours. But they're wrong.

I have a topic now. I'm ready to create the post that will become the touchstone for a new generation of bloggers. It's the one I've been waiting to write for years and it's only because I waited to poop.

In this bold new age the singular most signif