Friday, September 29, 2006

Not Sure What to Call this One

I was walking through a storage area at work and I came across a woman talking on her cell phone. It wasn't anything unusual except for the fact that she had a huge, steel-toed boot perched on top of her head. Like this:
As I walked by I looked her in the eye (which is kind of difficult to do when someone has a boot balanced on his/her head) and smiled. She looked back at me and stopped talking long enough to glare at me.

I got a dirty look from a woman with a boot balanced on her head.

Later that day, I walked by that same area and found the boot. I looked around and then put it on top of my head. That's when a co-worker walked by.

I didn't get a chance to explain.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Checking Out Dan's Package

The Hughes family spent the equivalent of $104 to send us this box of goodies.

At this rate, Amy will need to defer college for a few years because her savings will have been wicked up by such generous acts (books and cards, for example). However, my kids are rolling in British delights and that's all that really matters.

To say we're amazed by the Hughes family's thoughtfulness is an understatement.

When I got back from Albuquerque on Monday I discovered Deb had already opened the box. I hadn't had a chance to eat on the plane so I grabbed these :

Yeah, I liked them. I walked around the dining room blaspheming to myself, My God, these are good. Jesus, these are wonderful. I stopped at three (cookies, not blasphemes). I knew that one more would mean I'd finish all the cookies and then possibly have carnal relations with the cylindrical packaging these things came in.

Of course that was more than you wanted to know. But I'm all about capturing the moment for you so just bear with me.

Now it's Wednesday and we're finally getting to really taking a close look at the stuff that Dan gathered for us.

Here's something interesting - Worcestershire sauce:

In both images the English version is on the left. You might notice it's a little darker. You might also notice there are little chunks of stuff floating around in the sauce. The bottom line is they are different. The English version seems more robust. If you look at the ingredients you notice that the American sauce uses high fructose corn syrup and one kind of vinegar. The English sauce depends on molasses for sweetness and has malt vinegar combined with another type of vinegar.

High fructose corn syrup versus molasses. Hmm.

Okay. Let's get this out on the table (so to speak). Europeans claim that American food is cheap and plentiful, but that it's killing the people who eat it. In contrast, shopping in Europe is more expensive, but Europeans eat quality, less processed meals that keep their arteries clean, their nitrate levels reasonable and their waistlines from spilling over their belts.

Worcestershire sauce ingredients and the size of my gut are evidence there may be some validity to this claim.

Wanna see a picture of me drinking straight-up Worcestershire sauce? Here you go:

Next time: The Milky Way just ain't the same since Dan's package rolled into town.

Friday, September 15, 2006

She Got Me

Um. If you're interested. Here are some pictures of me and a giant banana.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

I Know the Remote is Covered with Feces

I'm sitting in a hotel room in Albuquerque reading the emails you sent me to say, Happy Birthday. Thanks a million!

I'll write you back soon but the connection here is really slow. Plus, I just ate some ribs and my gut is full of dead pig. That means I'm slow.

Oh God am I slow.

Now I must sleep. I must sleep the sleep of a 40 year-old man.

Thanks again for thinking of me on my birthday. And a particular shout out goes to Kandy for letting the Banna Incident suck up some of her bandwidth.

You really cracked Debbie up, Kandy. She had to play the slide show for the girls two or three times. You're such a good egg. I wish I could see the pictures but, like I said, things are very slow here in New Mexico.

I gotta go.

Very sleeeeeepy.

Very oooooold.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Deb Almost Burns Down the House

I took the afternoon off to care take of a few things. I got home. I was on the phone with Marcia as I walked in the door. I immediately popped some vegetarian corn dogs into the microwave for lunch (why I mention the fact that they were vegetarian - I'm not sure; perhaps to serve as a warning). Then I went upstairs to change clothes. Next I got off the phone with mom and turned on the computer for a quick email check before I ate my corn dogs.

That's when I read Deb's post.

Needless to say I got really choked up and just stared at the screen. I couldn't believe how lucky I am to have a wife who says such wonderful things. All I could think about was how much I love her (and I haven't even mentioned the giant banana yet).

That's when the smoke alarms went off.

I gave my vegetarian corn dogs a few more minutes in the microwave than the directions prescribe because I like them crunchy. Six minutes, to be precise. Six minutes is too long.

The entire downstairs was filled with smoke.

I opened every window in the house to try and get rid of the smell.

It still stinks in here.

And, as usual, I completely blame my wonderful wife.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Plus you can beat up all the kindergarteners.

Bad advice; I know. But it's all I could come up with as Deb and I prepped Allie for her first day in first grade tomorrow.

We didn't really prep her for anything. She's ready to go and it's as if the school year never really ended. The backpack may look different and there's the threat of homework in the air, but other than that things seem remarkably similar to last year.

Emotionally I suppose it's not as bad. We've had some time to become accustomed to all the things that Allie does now that don't involve us. I'm not saying it's easy. I'm just saying it's more familiar.

Allie and her Mom chose an outfit that is completely blue (right down to her underwear, Allie tells me). I'd show you pictures, but the MacBook is still gone. It's being examined by a team flown in directly from Cupertino. These experts are working around the clock so that I will be able to get you images of Allie and her big, purple backpack and her blue togs and her first grade smile in a timely manner.

Until then, you'll just have to settle for her dad's lament.

Goodbye, kindergartener Allie.

Hello, first grade Allie! It's a thrill to meet you. We're going to have a great time. But if you ever happen to see kindergartener Allie around, tell her that as much as her parents love her and at times miss her -- we understand she had to move on.