Monday, January 12, 2009

Ten Things You Didn't Know About Me

I'm really getting into this list thing. Here's another one that's chock full of super interesting really groovy facts all about me.

1) I like to keep my left toenail 2mm longer than the right. I also sharpen it in case I'm kidnapped and need to cut through a rope or some type of restraint.

2) I have an "off" button. I'm told it was installed after I finished second grade.

3) I have product placement in my dreams. Last night cans of Lemon Pledge kept showing up as I tried to figure out why I went to work without my pants.

4) I wrote a letter to Mallards baseball team management suggesting that instead of "Bat Night" they have "Machete Night" and then some cops came to ask me questions.

5) I'm convinced that I can throw a javelin the length of my backyard. . . with my jaw.

6) When I was a baby if my nose was cold my mother would put me in the clothes dryer for five minutes. To this day I can't get to sleep unless someone blasts me in the face with a super hot hair dryer while simultaneously smashing a metal folding chair into various parts of my body.

7) I have secretly recreated every piece of furniture in our house by hand and then destroyed the original. Debbie always asks, "What's with you?" every time she catches me smirking as I watch her put something down on an end table.

8) I'm not as picky about toilet paper as the Principal at my daughters' school thinks I am.

9) My personal Kryptonite is. . . Whoa; wouldn't you like to know.

10) I have plans to sculpt a life-size, painstakingly realistic replica of myself in Velveeta. Then I'm going set it up at various holiday gatherings with a bunch of crackers and a sign that says, "Eat me."