Friday, March 09, 2007


Dan and Kerry will be here in just a few weeks and Deb and I are a little uptight about showing them a good time. It's not like having your neighbors over and the pizza sucks. These people are traveling over 3,000 freakin' miles. This time, if the pizza is bad, there could be serious repercussions. I'm not saying they'd kill us in our sleep, but we could get a bad reputation. Then all of our overseas friends could potentially turn their backs on us (and I'd really miss Sven).

I've decided the best course of action is to act surprised when they show up.
Dan! Kerry! What a surprise! Was that this month? I knew it was an "M" month but I didn't think that meant March. Wow. . . Oh my god. We were supposed to pick you guys up! I am so sorry. You know, things have been crazy with the thing and everything. You know how that goes. How did you get here? Oh? Yeah, cabs can be expensive but I agree $800 sounds a little out of line. Holy cow. Well, we're glad you're in one piece. You know I promised the girls McDonalds tonight. I hope that's okay. You know I just wasn't expecting you guys here until like July or something. The house is a wreck, but if you walk where I walk there's no risk of tetanus.

You get the picture.

Unfortunately I don't think they'd buy it so I'm working on a loose itinerary:

Friday - Pick up the Hughes in Chicago. Commission a fanfare to be performed in their honor. Nothing elaborate; mainly brass and a small choral group of nine. We'll call the piece, Chicago: Your Gateway to Suburban Madison.

Bring DVD of You've Got Mail for drive home. Avoid any discussion beyond new open road tolling so we won't run through all conversation topics before we reach Wisconsin border.

Once home, immediately get Dan and Kerry sloppy drunk so they believe they're having a good time regardless of what actually happens.

Saturday - Maintain Dan and Kerry's levels of intoxication. Replay You've Got Mail for them. When they say they think they've seen it tell them it's the director's cut with over 20 minutes of new scenes. Take them to the grocery store and lecture them on the superiority of high fructose corn syrup over other sweeteners. Block access to other couples who are more fun, more intelligent, kinder and generally hipper than we could ever hope to be such as Bon Bon and her husband.

Sunday - Slip them a mild hallucinogenic and force Dan and Kerry to read the Dead Parrot sketch from Monty Python over and over again. Chastise them for not getting the accents right. Let them use the laptop to contact the Malcolms and request a wire transfer of all the money in their bank accounts. Allow the Hughes to use these funds to replace current home entertainment center. Take delivery of new home theater and make them watch You've Got Mail again but this time in Surround Sound.

Monday - Make the drive time back to the airport seem shorter with another screening of You've Got Mail. Drop off Dan and Kerry and head to other side of terminal to pick up Sven and his wife.



Anonymous said...

Sounds fantastic! Throw in some diet coke and you have a deal!

Actually coincidentally You've got Mail was the film that Kerry and I saw on our first ever date.

Jon said...

Maybe "Groundhogs Day" would be a better choice for the movie.

Sounds like a good weekend.

bon bon said...

do you even know me?! you won't find any bigger doofas! if your idea of "hip" is spending a birthday alone with your dogs? then yes, i am awesome!!

seriously, you can all come to dinner at our place one day if you like! then we can have some fun by opening the door to the space bedroom and see what spills out.

Anonymous said...

Considering I've probably had 2 alcoholic drinks since Christmas 2005, getting me drunk won't cost very much.

Yes, You've Got Mail has significance in the Hughes household (although I don't think we've watched it since that fateful day). I do remember starting to sing in the cinema when I thought I was only doing it in my head. He still married me anyway.

Getting quite excited now, particularly as bon bon has some inspiring photos at the mo. Just as long as I don't think about leaving the kids...

Dwayne said...

Sounds like efficient and effective use of time and money. Sven and his wife are sure to have a good time!!

Greg, didn't we see You've Got Mail together?

Donna said...


Anonymous said...

I made Sven up. There is no Sven - as far as you're concerned. But he's real to me. Soemtimes he's oh so very real. . .

On our first date, Deb and I saw another Meg Ryan movie, I.Q. Her resume is filled with "safe" movies perfect for first dates.

No Dwayne, we didn't see a movie on our first date.