Lucky Day

We were in Chicago yesterday for Anika's first birthday. Holding my niece reminded me that babies release massive amounts of procreation chemicals in a parent's brain. As much as I like kissing babies I was able to overcome the desire to throw Julia out of her room and convert it back to a nursery.

By the way, Anika has the grip of a pro wrestler.

It was a great party and we had a wonderful time celebrating Anika's first year. After the party we made our way to a downtown hotel. One thing we noticed was that everyone in Chicago was getting married. 7/7/07. Supposedly a very lucky day. This meant we saw two weddings in our hotel, we walked along the river and saw people being married on a boat. People were walking around in tuxes and bridesmaids' dresses.

Love was in the air.

I was thinking about what advice I'd offer a new bride and groom. The only thing I can think of is don't pee in front of one another. Leave a little mystery.

Actually, there are others, but I'm not sure I'm fit to offer advice on marriage. This isn't false modesty. I'm simply not a good husband. So when I tell you to never go to bed angry, I'm thinking you should probably push your husband/wife down the stairs before you hit the hay. Otherwise you'll stay awake all night long trying to think of ways to get him/her to stand at the top of the staircase without raising any suspicions.

Avoid doing any maintenance on your spouse's vehicle. The more knowledge you have the more likely you'll discover where the brake lines are.

Work on tempering the tone of your voice. Even the most subtle screaming attracts attention in public places; like church.

When glaring at your spouse, cough, jiggle around in your seat, flap your arms wildly so he/she will notice and you won't waste the energy it takes to burn a hole into the back of his/her head with your heat vision.

Buy your spouse an iPhone. That's the only thing that really says, "I love you."

When farting in bed make it loud so they know what's coming.

Do your share. Unless you know you can get away with not doing your share without any repercussions. Then it's okay to make them do all the work.

Passive aggression is healthy. Say it. Say it over and over again through your gritted teeth.

Um. . . I'm going to stop here.