Saturday, April 12, 2008


I wouldn't call myself an addict. The most I'll claim is that I am dependent to a certain extent. I use heroin mainly for my children. You see, without it, I think I would be a less effective parent.

I won't bore you with a grocery list of all the things my kids do to drive me to take narcotics. You've seen the list. Many of you have lived the list. Heroin helps make the things on the list bearable. With Heroin, something from the list happens (like a kid refusing to eat a meal they requested and that you spent hours preparing simply because it looks retarded) and it's okay because you know that needle is waiting to soothe and calm you.

It's always waiting just for me.

I don't have a special brand of heroin. I buy most of my stuff from the senior center on Main St. You might think revealing my source is kind of silly. I don't mind telling you because A) I'm pretty sure these individuals have a solid relationship with local law enforcement and B) I promised Mrs. Deetle that I'd provide her with a plug in exchange for a dime bag.

By the way, a dime bag refers to $10 worth of heroin. A gram of heroin here in the U.S. will cost you around $300. So a dime bag is around 3.33 mg of heroin. This relatively small amount of the drug is usually enough to take care of most everything your kids throw your way. However, when your child drops your digital camera and converts it to paper weight status you're probably going to need to consider something like 24.5 to 25 mg.

I'm happy to share this information with you so that you can become a better parent. Sure, you may not be the loudest, or most coherent in the cheering section at your kids' next sporting events. You may not bathe them as much. You might not be able to respond to their pleas to get you to stop using their toybox as a urinal. But you will be calm and you will not yell. The list will disappear and with it will go all the tension, empathy and awareness that was making you feel like a bad mom or dad.

So head over to your local senior center and get on the path to better parenting today.


frank said...


Donna said...

Really weird. Janesville's Senior Center is on Main Street too.

Deb said...

And here I've been relying on chocolate chip cookies.

Dwayne said...

Greg, I'm scared for your entire family, your friends, and coworkers.

Anonymous said...

Your my heroine Greg.

Anonymous said...

I just got off the phone with the girls and they don't really drive me to take drugs. . . when I'm far away (if you count Michigan as being far away).

Frank (I like calling you Frank), I'm not having a bad day. I just want the girls to remember just how good they are at driving me bonkers sometimes.

All senior centers are on Main St. It's the law. Donna, you really should stop by sometime. They'll make people disappear for you - if the price is right.

You mean when you down your cookies with Mike's Hard Lemonade. Right, Debbie?

You shouldn't be afraid Dwayne. On second thought, yes, you should be afraid. How about an intervention? I like Applebees.

I know Dan. I know.