Friday, April 29, 2005

How Old is That Paper Shredder?

Yesterday the whole family spent almost two hours in a lawyer's office hashing out who gets what if we, well, you know.

Our lawyer told me our appointment would take about an hour. I knew that's about how much time Allie and Julia would grant us before they started shredding the guy's office. Plus, I didn't have much choice in the matter. I suppose I could have hired a babysitter but I have faith in our daughters.

The girls did great. The lawyer had to speak over some minor whining and toddler babble every now and again. An empty water bottle got tossed around his office a little, but for the most part we were able to conduct business.

Then we hit minute 61.

Julia indicated it was time to go by shitting her pants. The office suddenly smelled like the vent pipe on a portalet. Not much we could do about it so the three adults pressed on. Allie sat under the guy's desk, at our feet and tried desperately to get our attention.

"Daddy. Daddy. Daddy."


"Mommy. Mommy. Mommy."


"Daddy. Daddy. Daddy."

And so on.

Julia went to the lawyer's file cabinet and decided he knew the drawer (the one at just her height) contained files R-Z and no longer needed a label. Once she'd taken care of that, Julia left us and went out in the hall. Allie went after her. Suddenly a paper shredder with a missing safety guard popped into my head and I dragged both kids back into the smelly office. We closed the door. This intensified the scent of Julia's waste.

It got louder and smellier from there. The lawyer kept a pleasant look on his face the entire time. Even when he said, "I basically know what you're after here. I'll draw up some papers and mail them to you for you to look over." The unspoken message we received was, "Please take your loud, fidgety children (particularly the one with the shit-scented Airwick in her pants) and leave so I can go home, find a reputable odor removal service and pour myself a scotch or three."

I'm guessing we'd better look this stuff over very carefully before we sign.

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