Sunday, June 10, 2007

Tonight It's Aspirin for Dinner

Living an hour away from America's largest water park means we can hop in the car and have a mini-vacation and be home before the cats wake up. So when Deb got an invitation to spend the day at Noah's Ark without paying we decided to go. This is after last night when I told Deb that I didn't want to go. But by 10:00 a.m. this morning I found myself in the front seat of the car with two kids in the back seat vibrating with anticipation.

Driving to the park in our swimsuits meant we could walk through the gate, get our wristbands and almost immediately jump down a slide.

We did.

My first plunge was cold. Inverted nipples cold. But Allie didn't seem to mind. In fact she was braver than she's ever been on these trips.

We'll get to Julia later.

Allie is now tall enough to go on some of the more intense attractions at the park. Early on, we went on one of the dark rides called Black Thunder. I noticed her screams put the life guards on high alert until they heard the phrase, "THAT WAS AWESOME!" being repeated again and again.

Yes, Allie brought her nads along with her on this trip. That's why she decided she could handle the super intense Stingray. At the beginning of this ride Allie was sitting in a tube hanging over the edge of a thirty or forty foot drop. Before we went over, we got a little stuck and I had a chance to look into her eyes. They said, "Why are you killing me, Daddy?"

It was also Julia's day to be brave. She made several requests to ride the rapids on Congo Bongo. Of course getting her to take that first plunge was like walking her to the gallows. But she soon converted her screams of protest to screams of terror and then excitement. I was surprised when we heard, "I wanna wide dat won again!"

I got the chance to go over the Point of No Return. I'd been on this slide before, but I had forgotten the way it slams your trunks up your butt. People watch you when you go over this thing because they like to see you try to gracefully pull your pants out of your crack without anyone noticing. I walked away feeling as if I could not have shoved my trunks deeper into my body without the aid of greased axe handle. I suddenly felt a kinship to those who have done hard time in prison. It took me a good ten minutes of not-so-subtle picking and pulling and finally a trip to the restroom with some pliers to feel normal again.

One thing about hanging out with so many half-naked people is trying to avoid playing Jr. dermatologist. I'm not expert, but there were a few times when I wanted to pull out out a Sharpie and circle some of the skin abnormalities I had to stare at while we stood in line.

"Dude, I'm not a doctor, but I'm 100% sure that without surgery and massive radiation that thing on your back is going to kill you."

I realize this sounds a lot like all of our other water park posts, but I can't help myself. It was a good day. We're tired. Despite lots of sunscreen I'm red. Debbie and Allie are a little splotchy in places. Julia is as lilly white as she was this morning. But I'll take some aspirin and sleep the sleep of a large, red man who had a nice vacation with is family today.

Of course, I'll let you know (with all appropriate details) if I swallowed enough cryptosporidium to make a difference.


Anonymous said...

Americas largest water park.

And when we visited you took us to a house with some scary dolls in it. There better be a reason for that other than "we don't like them very much".

I'm kidding of course. Who wouldn't prefer to spend the day looking at the curio collection of a borderline psychopath rather than actually have any fun.

If you ever get round to visiting us I've decided you will be taken repeatedly to the Bronte museum. Recently voted the most boring tourist attraction in the entire universe.

That is all I have to say on the subject, other than i have decided to withhold the family sized Jar of Chive jelly I was planning to send you guys.

Deb said...

Dan, it's America's largest OUTDOOR waterpark. It would not have been a fun place to be in March, unless you like empty concrete pools.

Are you a closet skateboarder, perhaps?

Anonymous said...

Bah. Excuses excuses.