Wednesday, July 14, 2004

My Gradual Vasectomy

Allie and I have been doing some bike riding lately. A friend sold me a Trek trainer that attaches to the seat post of my bike effectively creating a tandem.

We have a lot of fun tooling around the neighborhood. However I'm having a problem with my balls.

I sit down and they immediately squirt into whatever free space they can find between my shorts and the bicycle seat. It's akin to having two greased mice trying to escape from beneath a quickly filled water bed mattress. . . only in your pants.

"What's wrong? Why aren't we going, Daddy?" Allie asks when I stop to make sure my nuts are still intact. I tell her, "Daddy needs to make a few adjustments."

Usually I can shift the boys around and allow them to find a safe spot on their own. They're good at that. It's all about self-preservation and I know they have a strong will to live. That doesn't mean I'm probably not slowly killing them.

See, there's this whole Bicycle Seat Neuropathy thing to worry about. A 2003 study showed that wider bicycle seats that support the ischial tuberosities (your ass bones) decrease pressure on the perineal area. Other studies have also demonstrated the negative effects bicycle seat design has on penile blood flow and penile oxygen pressure.

In other words the standard bicycle seat is your wedding tackle's worst enemy.

I suppose I could find some kind of ergonomic, gel-padded, Kevlar covered, developed by NASA bicycle seat. But I'm not willing to invest any money into my circa 1989 Huffy mountain bike.

I know, my huevos are worth it. But I've seen Lance Armstrong's bike seat. It's a skinny, ball bustin' nightmare and he seems to be okay. Of course he may have a crotch that makes a sound like rail cars connecting everytime he sits down. But that's not going to happen to me during my half-hour cruises around our fair neighborhood.

At least I hope it doesn't.

Every article I read on Bicycle Seat Neuropathy mentions erectile dysfunction as a symptom. That's the part that concerns me. And, like most things mentioned in this post, I have two considerations: buy a wider seat or pay more attention to those Levitra commercials.

No comments: