Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Nobody Likes Bobcat Urine

If God made you he's in love with me.

Sweet jesus!

This has got to be the worst lyric I've ever heard. Match this with some truly awful music and you have Five for Fighting's latest single, If God Made You.

I first heard this song while I was listening to the middle-of-the-road FM station they pipe into the restroom where I work.

I was assaulted by this music while on the toilet.

I've been afraid to go to the bathroom all week. I may never be the same.

If you haven't heard this song then you are among the lucky. If you would like to punish yourself, here's a link to Amazon.com's page for the group's latest album. Scroll down and you can listen to a sample of this song.

While I sat on the toilet I kept thinking the song was some kind of joke or an experiment. Like the kind of experimental music people used to make me listen to in college. You know, a cassette recording of a guy moaning the ingredients of a chicken hot dog for five minutes while someone beats the shit out of a garbage can lid all while holding a single finger at middle C on their Casio MT-70 keyboard.

If God Made You sucks even more than that.

You should know, I'm very tolerant of all kinds of music. I've Polka'd for Pete's sake. But this song is the limit for anyone.

What do I do? How do I save the world from this nightmare?

I can start small. Spread the word on the street that listening to this music could possibly lead to low, birth-weight babies.

This shit is poison. If you hear it, drop to your knees, pull out your iPod, shove in your earbuds and listen to anything by Elvis Costello or, for a more contemporary cleansing, Hot, Hot, Heat.

I blame the meida moguls. How could Clear Channel let this happen? Even these arbiters of mediocre music should know life is far too short to subject a large chunk of the population to crap like this via heavy rotation.

I plan to find Five for Fighting's latest CD in every music store in my county. I'll spray the CD's with a small amount of predator urine. If a little squirt of bobcat piss is all it takes to save some unsuspecting music lover from this song then I'm willing to risk prosecution.

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