Saturday, February 16, 2008

Go Sledding You Little Asshole!

Somewhere in the U.S. tonight there's an eight year-old kid named Austin. He's sitting in his bedroom, holding his Nintendo DS and laughing his ass off at me.

This is just a guess. For all I know Austin could be another gadget obsessed, 41 year-old geek wasting valuable moments of his life repeatedly killing strangers via Metroid and a WiFi link. To be honest I would prefer this scenario to some little eight year-old mother f$^%@r blasting me over and over and over again.

HE'S KILLED ME 15 GODDAMN TIMES! This little freak has the hand-eye coordination of a flippin' Olympic ping-pong gold medalist. Where ever he is I'm sure he'll be tracked down, recruited and ultimately dissected by the Pentagon.

Serves him right. If he was standing in front of me I would kick his little ass. I don't care if he's eight. He has a fighting chance. I get winded very easily and he'll probably have plenty of energy despite spending way too much time playing video games.

Who are his parents? I want a word with them. Austin needs some fresh air for crying out loud. I mean get the kid a snowsuit and make him go sledding or something. If he continues down this path and refuses to develop his mind and body he probably won't get laid until well after grad school.

That's not healthy. That's no way to live.

Dammit Austin.

Stop killing me.

Thursday, February 14, 2008


I was listening to a man on the radio tell everyone that he and his wife don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. In fact, his wife’s unwillingness to participate in the tradition was one of the things that made him fall in love with her. The man, by the way, was discussing his new anthology of love stories. It’s no surprise that the love stories in this new book were more about disappointment and dysfunction rather than the more pedestrian love conquers all variety.

The guy said Valentine’s Day commoditized something that is better expressed spontaneously and in a more private way.

There was a small part of my brain that agreed with him. But the majority of my head and heart told me that his view is deeply flawed. After all, when asked if he is romantic he said he thought he was “too old” for it. He mentioned something about being a husband and a father and that he evolved into a “familial romantic”.

What the heck does that mean?

I thought I should feel sorry for him but I didn’t; I don’t. He’s smart enough to know that any chance to remind your sweetheart he or she is the apple of your eye is a good thing. If you don’t take advantage of it simply because you feel commercially goaded into it then you’re way too self-conscious for your own good. You’re missing out.

I’ve always looked at Valentine’s Day as being like a wedding reception when people clink on their stemware until the bride and groom kiss. The newlyweds always make a face like oh brother, not again but they kiss. And everyone in the room knows the chance to demonstrate their love for each other is always something magical. This it true regardless of how many times it may be someone else’s idea to cue them to do it.

Every February 14 I hear glasses clinking.

So screw “familial romanticism”. One day, after the kids are gone I know I’ll still want to celebrate the fact that I have the hots for my wife. And if I don’t, I’ll figure out why and work very hard to fix it. And while we’re at it; screw eschewing Valentine’s Day.

This morning my wife and I exchanged gifts. We held our breath while we kissed (I hadn’t brushed yet). We honeyed our voices and wished each other a happy Valentine’s Day.

It may have not been the peak of our shared romantic experience but however commercialized or pre-packaged it may have seemed - it was still another chance to remind Debbie that I love her.

I wouldn’t miss that for anything.

Can you hear it?


Sunday, February 10, 2008

By Request

Click here. This link to the multimedia page takes you to some pictures from Disney World. We'll show you the rest next time we see you.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

While Surfing One Day I Found a List of Songs Like This and Discovered a Bunch of New Music That I Really Enjoy So I Thought I'd Make One Too

The Way I Am 2:13 Ingrid Michaelson - Misery Business 3:32 Paramore - Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop 4:30 Landon Pigg - Remind Me 3:39 Royksopp - Blueside 3:17 Rooney - Hoppípolla 4:29 Sigur Rós - Spaceship 3:30 Angie Aparo - Wouldn't It Be Nice 2:25 The Beach Boys - Julia 2:54 The Beatles - Gepetto 3:25 Belly - Big blue sea 4:04 Bob Schneider - Let the Day Begin 3:51 The Call - Sunray 3:47 Brenda Weiler - Cloud Cult Advice from the Happy Hippopotamus - Bubbly 3:17 Colbie Caillat - Fresh Feeling 3:37 Eels - Fugitive Motel 5:11 Elbow - Feist 1234 - Beautiful Life 3:06 Fisher - Hey Julie 2:37 Fountains of Wayne - Mad World 3:10 Gary Jules - Perfect Day 3:30 Hoku - Hide and Seek 4:16 Imogen Heap - Are You Gonna Be My Girl 3:34 Jet - Cover Me 4:33 Mae - C-C-C-Cinnamon Lips 3:29 OK Go - Die In Terror 1:03 The Residents - The Real End 5:04 Rickie Lee Jones - Love Song 4:21 Sara Bareilles - Six Feet Under 3:54 Sneaker Pimps - Pig 2:23 Sparklehorse - You Are The Sunshine of my Life 2:55 Stevie Wonder - The Book Of My Life (Feat. Anoushka Shankar) 6:16 Sting - Chicago 6:05 Sufjan Stevens Sufjan Stevens: Illinois - Schism 6:48 Tool Lateralus - Jaan Pehechaan Ho...Mohammed Rafi 5:29 - Teenage Dirtbag 4:16 Wheatus - Rump Shaker 5:13 Wreckx n Effect - Unaccompanied Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major, BWV 1007: I. Prélude 2:21 Yo-Yo Ma

Larry's Polar Express