Wednesday, May 12, 2004

This is Esteban!

He is the guitar master that can be found from time-to-time peeking from beneath his black leather hat on the Home Shopping Network.

I was surfing channels one evening when Esteban popped-up on the screen. At first I thought I was watching sketch comedy.

I wasn't.

It was Esteban!

I've never seen anything like this guitarist from Pittsburgh who kind of dresses like a cross between a sleazy caballero and an aging pimp.

The Home Shopping Network (HSN) was trying hard to establish a mystique for Esteban. The dark set with subdued lighting was working for me. There was also a man from HSN who went back-and-forth between letting me know what a legend Esteban is and trying to sell me a $99.99 guitar that featured Esteban's autograph.

Esteban played some songs on one of the $99.99 guitars. He didn't play like a man who had studied with Andres Segovia (as Esteban lets us know on his website). He played more like a man who studied with Mel Bay. And the guitar looked and sounded like a $97.99 guitar at best.

Esteban's Web site says Segovia named him. I'm guessing Esteban's name is Steve and Segovia, being Spanish and all. . . well, you get the picture.

I shouldn't comment on Esteban's skill. I'm not a great guitar player. I'm not even a good guitar player. The most I'll say for myself is I know a few chords. However I'm not trying to sell you anything, either. Therefore I believe I have some wiggle room to poke a little fun at our friend Esteban.

And speaking of wiggle room, Esteban's Web biography says he was in an auto accident that kept him from playing for ten years. So I'm guessing that's the explanation for his halting style. But there's not a lot that can explain his appearance.

Take, for example, Esteban's long fingernails. Perfect for plucking guitar strings. I think they make him look more like a coke dealer from the seventies who liked the way his pinky looked and decided to let the rest of his nails get just at long.

The pony tail he wears helps reinforce the drug dealer image. It's a long pony tail, too. Combine a long pony tail with a hat that never seems to come off and you've got to assume male pattern baldness. I'm probably wrong about that, though.

Oh well, crud.

I must be in a really horrible mood.

The last time I wrote something this mean was when I said something about Steve from The Sneeze.

Then Steve wrote me.

Ulp. . .

Esteban, you don't deserve this kind of treatment. I'm sorry. I thought I was being funny but it turns out I'm just being a dick (once again). You are selling thousands of $99.99 guitars and making reasonably good music that entertains hundreds of people. Combine that with enough marketing savvy to know more people are going to come see Esteban in concert rather than Steve from Pittsburgh and you're all set to blow me out of the water.

Sitting at home on my butt watching the Home Shopping Network is not a very solid perch from which to throw criticism.

So please don't write and tear me a knew one, Esteban. I take back the caballero/pimp stuff. However, you really should trim those nails.

It's just not very safe.

How 'bout somebody write something positive and uplifting that will help blow away the stink of my Esteban attack?

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