Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Local Man Finds Torment While Tormenting Child

I'm a mean dad. I'm one of those smart-ass guys who searches for more opportunities to tease his kids rather than teach or nurture.

Last night was a good example.

I decided to call Alex by her sister's name last night. "Did you have a good day, Julia?" I asked Allie.

"My name's not Julia."

"I'm sorry. So Julia, did you get to play with Sabrina?"

"I'm not Julia!"

"You're cranky Julia. Maybe you need a nap or something."

This went on for about half an hour. The funny thing was, after about ten minutes Allie gave up and stopped protesting. She even started responding to the name Julia.

This drove me nuts.

I was being beaten at my own game by my four-year-old. She could sense my desperation as I looked for excuses to call her by the wrong name. Are you comfortable, Julia? Julia, do I have something on my cheek? Hey, Julia. Do you want something to drink?

Each time I spoke to her, Allie would ignore me or politely answer my question.


I knew I was close to being defeated which meant I had to resort to violence to assert my dumbass daddy dominance. Violence means grabbing Allie and tickling her until she almost pees her pants. There have been occasions when things do get out-of-hand resulting in a quick change of pants for the poor girl. But those instances are rare and we kept things under control last night.

The most important thing is that, in the end, despite the brutishness of my tactics, I had achieved victory.

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