Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Getting My Den Back - NOW

I think Allie is ready to be on her own.


I've hung around her a little. She's fairly precocious. I know she has all the tools she needs to make it in the world without any help from us.

For example: judging from her homework scores I know she could handle something like my job. In fact, Allie would be a wiz at office politics. She has a knack for ingratiating herself with anyone and everyone.

Allie: I like your shoes.
Boss: Oh thanks. I got them in black, too. Hey, why don't we push back that report date by a week or two? I can tell you've got a lot on your plate.
Allie: You said the "H" word.

Child labor laws? Slap the word, intern after her name in the company directory and suddenly we've taken care of that problem.

Getting to work without a license is a more difficult issue. However if she buys a Honda Insight, pays attention to the rules of the road and keeps at least three or four phone books under her butt then she's not going to get pulled over anyway.

Interns don't make much. But Allie could supplement her income by moonlighting as a secret shopper for Disney retail outlets. That would give her enough money to decorate her apartment in the uber pink, Hello Kitty fashion to which she has become accustomed. Clothing won't be a big expense as she'll more than likely show up at the office in the same Princess Aurora regalia at least a couple times a week.

In fact, finances as a whole would be a breeze. Insurance would be extremely cheap. A whole life policy for a six year-old would have astronomically low premiums. I think she could work out a deal with the cable company so she'd only have to pay for Cartoon Network, Toon Disney and Nickleodeon. An investment portfolio based on pillars like Mattel, Hasbro and Crayola would probably take care of her when she's ready for retirement at around 28. And "bath month" means shopping for toiletries would be a rather infrequent affair.

For food she could live off free cookies from the lady in the bakery department at the grocery store. And when that source finally dries up the lady at the deli counter will keep her in knox blox. Eventually rickets might set in but I'm willing to slip her a yogurt stick every now and again.

There's no doubt about it, Allie is ready to leave the nest. We will miss her. Hopefully she'll stop by and see us every now and again. Maybe she could squeeze us in after her Gymboree workout but before her Dr. Seuss discussion group.

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