Monday, February 16, 2004

I've taken a close look at many of the popular weight loss programs that you see advertised everywhere: Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers, Dr. Phil, Subway (Eat Fresh). . .

I used my layman's understanding of human physiology to cull the best parts of all of these programs and combined them into a revolutionary new weight-loss program. I call it De-Goo Yourself.

I've been on the De-Goo Yourself regimen for the past three days. So far I've lost 175 pounds. That puts me at a sleek 90 pounds but I'm still not at goal weight. I'm really looking forward to reaping the benefits of returning to my fighting weight of 40 pounds.

I remember second grade. I was so full of energy and boy, was I shredded.

It's not going to be easy getting back down to 40 pounds. The first 175 pounds was tough enough. The dementia alone crimped my daily routine. Plus my swollen, bleeding gums and unexpected tooth loss has been a little alarming. And, I'll admit, complete renal failure is a bummer to say the least.

But it's all worth it.

I'm guessing three more days of this and I'll reach goal weight. I'm not sure if I'll be able to walk, but at 40 pounds Debbie will be able to carry me wherever I need to go. I know it's winter, but I'll be looking for plenty of opportunities to take off my shirt and show the world the six pack beneath my, now, paper-thin skin.

Please don't write and ask me about the details of this fantastic weight-loss plan. I'll make it available as soon as my body adjusts and I'm able to type, on my own, again. In the meantime wish me luck with this last 50 pounds and know that someday, soon, you'll know the secret of becoming lean, mean and hooked up to a dialysis machine.

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