I've decided the best course of action is to act surprised when they show up.
Dan! Kerry! What a surprise! Was that this month? I knew it was an "M" month but I didn't think that meant March. Wow. . . Oh my god. We were supposed to pick you guys up! I am so sorry. You know, things have been crazy with the thing and everything. You know how that goes. How did you get here? Oh? Yeah, cabs can be expensive but I agree $800 sounds a little out of line. Holy cow. Well, we're glad you're in one piece. You know I promised the girls McDonalds tonight. I hope that's okay. You know I just wasn't expecting you guys here until like July or something. The house is a wreck, but if you walk where I walk there's no risk of tetanus.
You get the picture.
Unfortunately I don't think they'd buy it so I'm working on a loose itinerary:
Friday - Pick up the Hughes in Chicago. Commission a fanfare to be performed in their honor. Nothing elaborate; mainly brass and a small choral group of nine. We'll call the piece, Chicago: Your Gateway to Suburban Madison.
Bring DVD of You've Got Mail for drive home. Avoid any discussion beyond new open road tolling so we won't run through all conversation topics before we reach Wisconsin border.
Once home, immediately get Dan and Kerry sloppy drunk so they believe they're having a good time regardless of what actually happens.
Saturday - Maintain Dan and Kerry's levels of intoxication. Replay You've Got Mail for them. When they say they think they've seen it tell them it's the director's cut with over 20 minutes of new scenes. Take them to the grocery store and lecture them on the superiority of high fructose corn syrup over other sweeteners. Block access to other couples who are more fun, more intelligent, kinder and generally hipper than we could ever hope to be such as Bon Bon and her husband.
Sunday - Slip them a mild hallucinogenic and force Dan and Kerry to read the Dead Parrot sketch from Monty Python over and over again. Chastise them for not getting the accents right. Let them use the laptop to contact the Malcolms and request a wire transfer of all the money in their bank accounts. Allow the Hughes to use these funds to replace current home entertainment center. Take delivery of new home theater and make them watch You've Got Mail again but this time in Surround Sound.
Monday - Make the drive time back to the airport seem shorter with another screening of You've Got Mail. Drop off Dan and Kerry and head to other side of terminal to pick up Sven and his wife.