Thursday, November 08, 2007

See You on the Other Side

The average human can run 11 miles per hour. That’s the average human; not the 28 MPH, steroid enhanced, Olympian models.

I can run 12 MPH.

This means in a fight or flight scenario - I’ll be the one fighting. Unless I’m being attacked by a land locked manatee. Then I’d probably make a break for it.

Allie can run 8 MPH. We know this because of the radar speed sign the police department has temporarily placed outside of our house. It’s a big, battery operated display on wheels that reminds drivers of their speed. Last night Allie and I wondered if it would clock our speed.

It did. It does.

Daylight Saving Time has ended so these days we’re forced to play outside in the cold and the dark, running full-tilt sprints down the middle of the road. Allie and I would wait for the cars to go by and as soon as their numbers would clear we’d start running toward the machine.

Later, around midnight, I woke myself up because I thought that my heart had stopped. I’m not sure if I was dreaming or if I had indigestion but I was fairly certain I died for a second or two. In my sleep-addled brain I blamed my imaginary coronary on all that sprinting down the middle of the road as fast as I could over and over again.

I’m going to face the radar speed sign again tonight. I’m a little sore, but I’m pretty sure I can improve my numbers. That said, just in case I wasn’t imagining my heart stopping last night, I wanted you know how and why I murdered myself.

Hopefully I’ll reach at least 15 MPH before they remove the sign . . . or I die.


bon bon said...

let me know next time you do this. i'll greet you at the start of the line with a banana, and at the end with a tiny cup of water.

what i'm really saying is, i can outrun you AND work the line at both ends.

Dwayne said...

Sounds like Bon Bon has called you out!!

Here's some advice to help you reach your goal of 15MPH, or more likely smash that goal and get a 16 or 17.

First, you have to run in just your underwear. Less weight = more speed. You may think of losing the underwear too, but, trust me, you'll appreciate the support!

Second, shave that full head of hair right off!! Skin to win!! It's a proven fact from NASCAR to field and track that a lower drag coefficient can equal victory.

Third, go shoeless. Remember when you were a kid and you'd take off your shoes outside and it seemed like you could jump higher and run faster. Return to your youth!

Finally, don't forget to stretch! Don't stretch indoors because you'll cool off by the time you get in position. Save it for the event and stretch on the spot. The stretch where you put your foot behind your ear is most beneficial for sprints such as these.

Good luck!!

Dwayne said...

I was also thinking that sometimes you just need practice. If you don't achieve your goal before the police move the radar to another location, you'll have to continue practicing. And the only way to know if you're progressing is to drive around your city and find where the police set up the sign and make good use of the free training environment!

Again, good luck!!

Greg said...

I'm laughing. I kind of hate you both, but I'm laughing.

Jeannette said...

I want photographic evidence of the next record breaking attempt but preferably with underwear.

Dwayne said...

How about an update on the need for speed?!