I think I may have written something similar to this in the past. However, considering the way the girls have behaved this evening I feel that many of these statements were probably completely justifiable.
Things I've actually said to my children:*
Shut your pie hole.
I will clip off the ends of your fingers.
I'm feeding your toys to the cat.
I will break your throat.
The only cure for you both is a good beating.
I will gut you like a fish.
I will flip you like an omelet.
It's only because we love your sister more.
If you don't shut up I will find a very large hole and drop you in it.
Santa saw that and now I'm pretty sure he's not coming.
We are selling you to gypsies.
This is an adoption agency, you guys. One of you get out.
Mommy's hiding at work because she's afraid of you.
Your breath smells like hot death.
Did your pimp dress you?
Eat that or you will starve.
I am never cooking for you again.
This is all the money you had in your piggy bank.
It's just blood.
If you puke in this car you will be in mega trouble.
Go ahead and puke; I don't care.
You will fall, your head will bust open and your brains will spill out all over the carpet.
Do you know what a compound fracture looks like?
I'm seriously considering holding your head under water for a very long time.
Tell my why you deserve these almonds.
You're going to look funny bald.
It's not hot, it's just spicy.
Daddy loves you, just not as much as his motorcycle.
*If you don't believe me ask Deb (she was there for most of them).