Post Haircut: Ten Lines in Ten Minutes

Because I've disabled comments I thought I'd beat most of you to the punch:


1) Tor Johnson called. He wants his head back.

2) The National Institute of Standards and Technology called. They want to use your head as a template for a perfect circle.

3) Where are Moe and Larry?

4) Hair grows, on average, half an inch every three months. That means Deb will be interested in Greg again around April, 2010.

5) I had no idea hair clippers came with a “serial killer” attachment.

6) Most guys go gray. You went translucent.

7) Now maybe you can devote some of that shampoo budget to dealing with your breath.

8) Well sir, we were going to this bingo parlor at the YMCA. . .

9) Don’t worry; they’re not staring at your hair. They’re staring at your brain now that they can see it beneath your scalp.

10) Daddy, would you mind if Mommy takes me to the birthday party?

Dear Kathy -

The countdown has begun.

July 7, 2009.

The pain begins. . . again.

Artwork by Allie Lee

Bought a Used, Wireless Keyboard and I'm Going to Take it for a Spin Around the Block

Lately I've been having these horrible flashbacks to embarrassing moments from my past. Most of them happen as I drive to work each morning. They are vivid enough to make me shriek out loud as I relive them.

It's not really a shriek. It's a more of an, AAAAGH GOD JEEZ WHUUU!

Now that I'm writing about these embarrassing moments, I can't remember any of them. There was a toga party when I danced with a really cute girl and she shoved me away from her because I kept stomping on her feet.

No. That's not one of them. I'm focusing on the ones that really meant something. The moments when I screwed up so badly that it actually altered the course of my life.

AAAAGH GOD JEEZ WHUUU!

Suddenly more than a few of these bad memories have come to mind but I'm really not going to share them with anyone; at least not right now.

I have on new underpants. They are expensive, high-tech underpants. It may seem foolish to spend money on technologically advanced skivies right now but I have a good reason for buying them. For one thing, they wick moisture away from your body.

I often wonder when I read about these space-age fabrics where the moisture goes once it's wicked away. Turns out that the moisture is transported directly to the outside of the garment. I know this because. . .

I wouldn't consider myself a fastidious person but I'm not altogether slovenly either. I'm clean. I keep myself clean. However, there are those rare occasions when I haven't tapped my wing-wang enough to insure that I have completely voided every inch (foot?) of my urinary tract of fluid. This means sometimes a few drops may make their way into my underwear.

Usually my cotton, boxer-briefs absorb the extra moisture but these new high-tech skivies sucked the pee away from the inside of my underwear and distributed it to the outside. I know this because of the curse of tan pants.

I looked down, panicked and then I silently went over the few tactics you can employ in this situation:

1. Find an object to hold in front of the area to hide the watermark as you make your way to safer territory.
2. Splash more water on yourself to make it look as if there was some plumbing accident that soaked your crotch and not your careless ding-dong manipulation.
3. If there's a hand dryer you can remove our pants and hold them beneath it while you pray no one else wants to use the bathroom.
4. You can go into a stall and get two wads of toilet paper. Place them on either side of the wet spot and rub them until the friction destroys the toilet paper. By the time the toilet paper wads have disappeared in your hands the mark of shame has probably vanished.

I chose option four. Should you find yourself in a similar situation, I strongly recommend option four.

I should go now. I've got my underpants, a stopwatch, a blow dryer and a huge glass of cranberry juice. I am prepared to devote the rest of my evening to science.

It's a Wrap. . .

They had glow-in-the-dark! I'll never understand why she chose pink over glow-in-the-dark.

Spiral Fracture of the Lower Left Tibia

She really isn't smiling all that much these days.

Girl on the Run

She ran and ran and ran and then. . . she ran some more.

Allie's first 5K was a success. It was raining this morning and a little cold, but that made for perfect running weather.

We arrived early and walked the grounds while we waited for Girls on the Run group photos and the start of the race. Allie's coach found a break in the fence and we snuck in line to reach the start which meant we wound up toward the front of the 11,000+ racers/walkers there with us. As we jogged to the starting line Allie asked me when we were going to start. I looked at her and I noticed the start banner was well behind us and said, "We're racing, Allie!"

She did great. The majority of the race consisted of speed play where we'd pick a sign or a person and run to that point and then slow down for little up-tempo walking. I pushed her a little harder than she might have liked a couple of times, but for the most part Allie maintained our 80% running, 20% walking mix on her own.

Slapping her hand against the big mile marker signs as she ran by became small goals for her to accomplish along the course. Her biggest obstacle was a hill that everyone seemed to be walking up that Allie pushed herself on. She made it to the top running all the way as people out on their lawns, drinking their morning coffee, cheered her on.

The best part of the race? Allie says it was getting a drink of water and then being able to just drop the cup on the ground without getting into trouble.

For me it was looking to my right and seeing her grin, all rosy cheeked and panting, as she gave high fives to people along the course.

The only part that we had trouble with was finding Deb and Julia after the race. They waited for us at the finish line but didn't see us cross. We walked up and down the line and then waited for them at the Girls on the Run tent but didn't see them. No cell phones, no contact. Allie was a little disappointed and while they didn't actually see us I know Allie felt great knowing they were there.

We were very fortunate to be a part of an event that holds a great deal of significance for many people that goes far beyond a first-time fun run. I found a clip from today's race that does a far better job of illustrating this point than I could:

http://www.madison.com/video/?id=4335259

Evelyn in Three Minutes

We met Evelyn at the book store. She was in a wheelchair accompanied by a man with a big growth on his neck.

Here's what Allie, Julia and I learned about Evelyn in approximately three minutes:

• Evelyn was blind for four months.
• Now she can see again no thanks to that dumbass doctor.
• She off the medicine and feeling much better.
• She's writing a book entitled, "You Think Your Life Sucks You Should Try Mine".
• She's seriously going to write the book.
• She grew up during the Great Depression.
• When she was a girl she would stand in line for hours to get food that had to last her family an entire week.
• She wasn't invited to a wedding a few years ago because a family member called her a dirty slut.
• Evelyn has a tiny Green Bay Packer duffel bag filled with new $1 coins that she hands out to kids who are adorable.
• Evelyn was molested by her father.
• She loves her grandchildren.
• She's very fond of her granddaughter who lives far away.
• Evelyn has a photo mounted on a small piece of cardboard of her granddaughter sitting on a couch with four men sporting camouflage T-shirts and tattoos.
• The man with the growth not only pushes Evelyn around in her wheelchair but he also softly affirms or rephrases everything Evelyn says as he looks for books.
• Evelyn has two cats.
• Evelyn carries around pictures of her cats mounted on small pieces of cardboard.
• Evelyn punctuates many of her sentences with bad words.

母亲节快乐！(mŭ qīn jié kuài lè)

Mom,

This year you asked me to get you a Mother's Day card.

So, I did.

This is what it will look like:


This is what it will look like when you open it up in a few days or so:


I know you don't speak Spanish, and neither do I, but this card seemed to capture the nuance of what I wanted to express this Mother's Day.

In any language - I love you very much, Mom. You are, indeed, una Madre tan especial.

Fascinating Flickr Photostream

These days a tour of the Whitehouse requires congressional clearance. According to the Web site: Requests must be submitted through one's Member of Congress and are accepted up to six months in advance.

I've walked around the Whitehouse. I've been waved at by, then, President Clinton as his motorcade pulled away from the rear gate (you could barely see the guy through the bullet-proof glass). I've chit-chatted with a uniformed Secret Service agent at a side entrance (those aren't hand warmers beneath those leather flaps). I've even stolen a few leaves off the lawn for Allie.

I still want to get inside someday.

This will have to do for now:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/whitehouse/

The Visit

Romance Walking

There is a man and a woman who I often see walking together in our neighborhood. When they walk the man has his arm around the woman's waist and the woman has her arm around the man's waist.

If you've ever tried this you know it's not the easiest thing to pull off.

Whenever I see them I never think, "They must really be in love to make the effort to walk like that."

I always think, "I bet they're developmentally disabled."

Navel Intelligence

Mom Doesn't Believe in Unicorns

Gregory,

When I use your full name you know you are in trouble!

The family has read your last blog. We didn't like it. I have no idea where you come up with this stuff. I wish you would not write things like that. I have friends who read your blog. Remember Dan's Mother-in-Law reads your blog, too.

Just had to let you know what we think.

Love you.

The Birth of Another Unicorn

I have to really go to the bathroom. The sense of urgency is overwhelming but I'm not going to allow myself a toilet break until I come up with a topic and explore it here exhaustively.

So far I'm drawing a blank. I always thought that I worked better under pressure, but I'm not sure this is the right kind of pressure.

I know some of you may remember one reason I bought a laptop was so I could blog from the throne. I did it. I blogged while sitting on the toilet. I wasn't thrilled by the experience. And now I hesitate to do it again because I have a feeling this episode is going to be complicated. And everyone knows you don't take a magazine into the bathroom with you and expect other people to use it afterward. The same rule applies to computers.

I did this same exercise the other day while making lunch for Allie. I had to use the bathroom but there was no way I was going to go until I had everything on the table. I was slicing an apple while trying to convince myself I could overcome whatever obstacle was in my way (or way out). Each slice required me to remove the seeds and parts of the core and as I cut through the slices I thought I was going to freaking pass out but I knew that if I could master my G.I. tract that it would be the start of a new life not just for me, but for every person who is a part of my life now and in the future. Unicorns aren't real, but something just as magical was going to become real if I could just manage to keep from crapping my pants while I made lunch for my daughter.

I did it. I removed all the seeds and bits of core and as soon as Allie began to eat I dove into the bathroom.

It was a moment I will never forget.

And now, I have reached another milestone. It's the birth of another unicorn and you're a part of the magic. It feels like all my friends and family are here with me cheering me on.

Hold on, Greg. Hold it in, buddy. You can do it. You can finish this post and prove to yourself that you are in control of your life. Some will say what you're doing is inane. Some will claim you need the help of a therapist named Joan who is really good with cases like yours. But they're wrong.

I have a topic now. I'm ready to create the post that will become the touchstone for a new generation of bloggers. It's the one I've been waiting to write for years and it's only because I waited to poop.

In this bold new age the singular most signif