Toilet Test - Mansfield Versus Toto Drake Toilet

I know it's weird. I also know I really appreciate it when I'm trying to make a purchase and I come across videos like this.

Installation was fast and easy. Debbie will tell you that it took me a few hours. But she's not factoring in a lunch break, a yelling at the kids break and a trip to the hardware store. I'd say actual work time was about an hour maybe an hour and a half - tops.

Deb and Julia have already taken the Toto for a spin but as of this posting, there has been no true test of whether or not this thing will allow me to put away my plunger for good.

I'm guessing you don't need an update.

Julia Denied

Last night Allie, Julia and I were reading old blog posts. Most of them involved Allie in some way.

You see, my blogging career was in full swing when Allie was a toddler. I recorded every little detail of her development. In contrast, when Julia was spouting her bon mots and doing all sorts of cute stuff my desire to blog was waning.

It's not fair.

Julia deserves to have all the embarrassing details of her life recorded with her sister's. That's why I'm going to start writing here again.

This evening, I'd like to report that Julia is a psycho.

It's Thursday so Deb is at school. Tonight she's taking her mid-term exam. This means that the girls and I usually find a place to go out for dinner. The last few Thursdays we've found some pretty interesting places to dine. Like the Mexican restaurant run by an frighteningly cheerful man who asked us several times if we were enjoying our meals. When we told him everything was delightful he clutched his heart and in a very thick Mexican accent swooned, "This is music to my ears!"

The girls liked this almost as much as the mango soda.

Tonight was a different story. Allie started whining about where I suggested we go for dinner which truly pissed me off. So I drove their spoiled butts to McDonalds just so I could cram something down their throats and take them home. My goal was to get home quickly so I can sit here and pretend they're away at boarding school while I type.

Julia refused to order. She would only whisper things to me. Maddie, the girl at the counter, waiting patiently while my daughter behaved like it was the first time I took the padlock off her bedroom door. I insisted that she tell Maddie what she wanted. Julia insisted on trying to whisper her order to me.

Julia's explanation was that she is shy. My explanation is her eight year-old brain is damaged.

Allie is upset and blames my crankiness on my diffculties at work. I place the blame squarely on their shoulders. Regardless we're all in our neutral corners while we wait for round two.

I Really Couldn't Argue with Allie

Breakfast

I was sitting on the sofa when Julia walked up to me and handed me a Cheerio. I popped the Cheerio in my mouth and while I chewed I said, "Thanks, Sweetie."

"I poisoned it."

Subconscious or not. . .

Allie and I went for a long walk after dinner. Instead of the usual exploration of our neighborhood we made our way toward Main St. The street was blocked by squad cars. As pedestrians, we were allowed through to watch the fire department take care of a fairly nasty car fire. No ambulances (thank goodness). Just a smoldering black hunk of late-model something or other.

As soon as the car fire was behind us we talked about a book on medical mysteries that Allie is reading. She would tell me about one of the diseases in the book and I would come back with whatever gross medical problem I knew something about. The more we talked, the more Allie wanted to hear. This meant each disease had to be more gruesome than the last. After Ebola I wasn't sure where to go so I wound up describing syphilis to my ten year-old.

She asked how syphilis is spread after I began describing how the disease could lead to lesions that would sometimes cause peoples' noses to rot off. The timing of the question was coincidental in that, as of today, Allie is learning about human sexuality in health class. So when I told her that syphilis is sexually transmitted she had all the information she needed.

As I type this I'm really not sure if my subconscious response to Allie's health class was to plant the notion that the consequences of sex can sometimes lead to your nose falling off.

Subconscious or not - I'm pretty sure it was the right thing to do.

You see, there was this dog. . .

I was filling up the car when I noticed the van next to me had a dog sitting in the driver's seat. This dog looked like the dog I have in my head when I think about what kind of dog I'd like to have as a pet.

I barked at the dog and it came over to the passenger seat to check me out. I waved. I made faces. I marched around. The dog was more interested in whether or not its owner was coming out of the convenience store than it was in me. This made me try harder. All the way to the point where I was sitting in my car gesticulating wildly to try and make this dog love me.

I'm not sure why I hit the brake as I pulled away from the dog in the van. I'm going to say Jesus told me to stop because I hadn't removed the pump nozzle from the car. Half a second more and I would have ripped the hose from the pump and gas would have spewed everywhere. With my luck it would have ignited, blowing up everything that surrounded my car and the cool dog in the van.

Following my close call I thought about how I would have explained the lost lives and thousands of dollars in property damage I might have caused to Deb. 

You see, there was this dog. . .

One of the Many Reasons

Riding home this evening we were talking about new kids at Allie and Julia's school. One of the new kids in Julia's class is named Brook. We asked Julia if she knew what a brook might be (aside from a first grader who's new in town). We told her that a brook can also be a small stream like a creek or a tiny river.

"No. That's not what a brook is. It's one of those things," she said.

After we made a couple of weak attempts to convince her that we weren't lying she said, "A brook is what they use to make buildings."

"Um, that's a brick."

"That's what her name is - Brook."

"But you said, brick; not brook."

"I said brook, like what they use in buildings."

"A brick."

"Yeah. A brook."

This could have gone on for the entire ride home but instead Julia told us about the abalien kid at school. "He's teaching us to speak abalien," she told us.

We asked her if she meant Albanian. She said, "Yeah, abalien. He's really poor. He said that he only has a hay ball to play with."

For some reason hay ball meant I had reached some kind of tipping point and started laughing until I couldn't breathe. When this happens it's not really laughing it's just some kind of gurgling sound I make as I try to catch my breath. This time my hysterical gurgling really pissed off Julia.

"Stop laughing! It's not funny! Don't laugh at my friend!"

"I'm laughing at you, Julia"

"Stop laughing at me!"

Julia sucked all the funny out of the moment. I sat there, sullen because I'd been scolded by my six year-old. Like she knows it's not polite to laugh at little kids who only have balls of hay for toys. She doesn't know the difference between a damn brook and a brick. She's telling me I shouldn't be laughing at this poor boy's toy?

Yes. I felt guilty. That said I've stopped typing this post twice to cover my mouth so I won't laugh at thoughts of the little abalien boy unwrapping the new hay ball he got for Christmas.

This is one of the many reasons why people tell me I am a bad person.

Technical Difficulties

If you poke around this site over the next few weeks you may find a number of broken links and missing content. I'll do my best to try to restore the site but the fact is I don't spend a lot of time here anymore.

Don't get me wrong - I'm no Dwayne. I'll still post from time-to-time and much of the missing media (particularly videos) will probably pop-up on Flickr and YouTube. I'm just not too keen on spending time trying to reconnect all the wires that are about to be severed.

If for some strange reason you can't get to something you access here on a regular basis (motorcycle oil changes, the post on Esteban's fingernails and the tornado video seem to get a lot of action) let me know and I'll send it to you. That said I'm supremely confident I won't be hearing from any of you regarding lost content. I just thought, for some reason, I should offer.

I'll be sure to post again soon so this message doesn't read like a farewell.

I'm not going anywhere. . .

Cold, Dead Hands Touching My Feet

Allie came downstairs with a book in her hand. "I can't sleep because this book scares me," she said. I gave her a slow blink and asked her to show me the passage that freaked her out. Once she found it I read it aloud to demonstrate how silly she was being.

The part of the book that panicked Allie featured a girl who watched a scary movie about a disembodied zombie hand. The girl in the book (also named Allie) was worried the zombie hand was in her attic.

I told Allie (not the one from the book) she was being ridiculous and that there wasn't anything in her book that should scare a girl her age. She gave me a second kiss goodnight and went back upstairs to try and fall asleep.

Suffices to say I'm completely freaked out and I'm certain dozens of zombie hands are gathering under my bed as I write this. They're going to grab my feet before I can leap into bed. I'll jump, the bed will jiggle and Deb will ask, "What's your problem?"

I won't answer.

Allie's Stop Motion Theater

We've been sick - too much time locked up in the house. This is what we do to keep us from torturing the cats (and each other).

It's Time for Lunch with Julia & Allie

Julia was watching Julia Child on TV and said she wanted to do a cooking show. After that I just set up the camera and they did the rest.

Boo

This year 278 visitors came to our doorstep begging for candy. We ran out of treats this year and had to shut down 30 minutes early.

P.S. Claudette, you can find the message you erased from your voicemail here.

She Wasn't There This Morning

Once, maybe twice a week I see her watching me fill up my car. From the second story of her apartment building she sits in her brass-backed chair and watches everyone as they pump gas. I always look for her and I try to make eye contact with the woman. I never wave because I’m never sure she’s actually looking right at me. Although, it always feels as if this very old woman is ignoring everyone else while I’m there. She sees me scrub the bugs off my windshield. She watches as I try to convince the pump to dispense precisely 12 gallons of gas into my tank. She knows when I’m bad and duck inside the store for a doughnut and a chocolate milk.

On the mornings when she’s not in the window I worry about her. On Mondays, I think she has died and it makes me terribly sad. On Wednesdays I think she’s sick and too weak to sit up on her own. If it’s Friday or the weekend I think she’s sleeping in because she’s too old and too tired to bother watching. Regardless of the day, I never like it when I see the shiny brass back of her chair. I want her up there, in the window, prepared to call the cops if I get mugged or an ambulance if I spill gasoline on my pants and catch fire. I want her up there so I know she’s okay.

She wasn’t there this morning.

It’s Monday, so I’m pretty sure she’s dead.

UPDATE: Two people have asked if I've seen the old woman lately. Yes. The last time I filled-up she was sitting in the window and it appeared as if she had pen and paper. It might have been a crossword or maybe it was something more like, Dear Diary - The pudgy guy is getting gas again across the street. He is staring at me again. . .

East Si-Eeed!

Deciphering the skill hierarchy of recreational badminton is simple:

The good players all congregate to the west side of the gym. The bleachers on that side of the building are where the people with serious attitudes and the best equipment rest between matches.

I sit on the east side of the gym. That’s where you’ll find the players who wear “I LOVE BEER” T-shirts and depend on the loaner racquets provided by the rec. department.

If you need more clues about which set of bleachers is for you just look at racquet manufacturers:

• Yonex: The best players have not one, but two or more of these $150+ beauties packed in nice, thermal bags to preserve the integrity of the string tension.
• Weird: These players can keep up with the best players, but they never quite win. Their racquets are from companies you’ve never heard of and unless you live in Malaysia; you probably never will.
• Wilson: These are the decent players who have elevated their games beyond backyard barbecue proficiencies. Every now and again they have some really great games but the Yonex players make them look like they’re still at the barbecue.
• Black Knight: These are okay racquets from Canada, but they’re the loaner racquets used by the program so most people with them in their hands are wearing “I LOVE BEER” T-shirts.

As for me, I’m sportin’ a $30 HEAD racquet that came all the way from a business park in Montreal. It got quite a bit of attention from the Black Knight players looking to upgrade; particularly when they found out it was only 30 bucks.

I like recreational badminton. I’ve been having fun. I depend a lot on whatever muscle memory remains from my tennis days. This actually has served me fairly well as I have been able to keep up in matches with the Yonex crowd. For the most part, though, I roll with the east side posse. We seem to smile and laugh a little more easily when we miss a shot which means there's a lot of laughing.